To the best of my knowledge...

Who am I..Do I know myself..do you know yourself? I am the sum total of all of us divided by all of us. I am the microcosm of the world around me. I am the same as all of you..you’re not better than me, nor am I better than you……

Who am I…it’s a tough one to answer. It’s like asking the guy with the torch how deep the tunnel is. He doesn’t know - he knows only what the light shows him. He sees, observes, absorbs and then moves further. It’s the same with me. Various events in my life, achievements, failures, triumphs, heartburns…these have been the light for me. Life has been a constant process of self exploration, of self discovery. The endeavour has been to have as many varied experiences, to gather as many pieces of this guiding light as possible – and move on…

…no matter what you and I do during this life..at the end it'll all come to naught..to death..you’ll go empty handed and so will I...

But does that mean that we stop living? Can the inevitability of death endorse futility of action? I have strived to be the best at whatever I do. Not the best there ever was, nor the best there ever will be, but the best that I can be. I feel blessed when I win, everyone does. For many the inevitable end may be an excuse for mediocrity, for me, it is the reason to achieve. If all of us are leaving empty handed, then I might as well gather as many triumphant moments, as many blessed feelings as I can while I’m here.

…just like an arrow..shot from the dark..passing through light for some time..and into the darkness again..no reason..no choice..just randomness..nothing matters..its all the same…

When you know and accept that you’re headed back into the dark, then what’s the point killing yourself over it when you’re in the light? I’d rather be an arrow that believes it was shot with a purpose, I’d rather spend my life working for that purpose – or die trying. Perhaps the biggest illusion we have is that of reason, of choice. But should that stop me from choosing, from picking what I think is right and then sticking with it? Yes, life is random. The most thoroughly analysed decisions may go wrong and the most frivolous may dazzle, but is that reason enough to stop thinking? I wasn’t asked my choice before I was sent to this earth to live. I wasn’t asked my choice of family to be born in, or name to be called by all my life. For some this may be reason enough to complain about it all their life, for me it’s all the same, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

…but still this life is worth living..albeit like Sisyphus..who kept rolling the stone uphill ..knowing that it'll come down again..but still pretending he enjoyed the process..if only to tease the gods..if only to mock the gods…

But there are times when all the above seems a bit distant, a bit faded. I’m agnostic. I don’t know whether God exists but I believe that it wouldn’t make any difference either way. But there are times when I long for the strength that many derive out of their faith in Him. These are times when I turn to the ‘Legend of Sisyphus’. It’s been long since I made peace with the fact that randomness prevails around me. As futile as it may be, I love to nurture the notion that everything has a reason, that there is a method to the madness. I have denied myself all the popular anchors of god, religion, gurus and stone statues. Reason is my God and thought is my prayer. It is not easy to carry on this way, but I do see a light. After all…

…if everything is random, then isn’t that itself a pattern……